AITA for changing my name and not telling my father?
A man carries the weight of a fractured childhood, named after a father who left before he could even walk.
Abandoned at six months old, his life is marked by fleeting appearances and a cold distance that never quite heals, leaving him to grapple with the silence where a father's love should have been.
Surrounded by the warmth of step-siblings and a stepmother who showed what family could be, he still feels the sting of a bond never fully formed.
Years of neglect and missed moments have carved a quiet ache, a longing for recognition that his father never gave, as he silently questions what it truly means to be a dad.
I (34 M) was named after my father. I have a sister that is 11 months older than me. My father walked out when I was only 6 months old.
He popped up ever once in a while until he came to live with us, then he left again when my mom got sick and started raising someone else's children.
He was a real parent to them despite being the "children are meant to be seen and not heard" type.
My sister and I were included in things with the other kids at the request of my step-mother but it still felt like he wasn't my dad.
I accepted the other children as extra siblings and they accepted me and my sister as well. My step-mother cared for us as her own when we visited and I love them all.
My father ended up leaving again and getting with a different woman and still for years never made an attempt to mend things with me. He would call to tell me happy birthday but never on my birthday.
I never corrected him either. I felt like I should've have to correct him because he was there when I was born.
My sister was the one who reached out to him and has forgiven him and allows him to be in my niece and nephew's lives. I don't have kids yet but I don't want him around me or my family.
I feel like he doesn't deserve it. In a recent conversation, he asked if I was gonna continue the carrying of our name.
I laughed a bit and said "I don't know, maybe."
On the inside I felt very uncomfortable about that question and brought it up to my wife. She feels the same way I do.
She knows everything about my experiences with him and feels that he shouldn't have a chance to be a "good grandfather" to makeup for being a lousy father.
He put me through so much as a kid and as much as I wanted him to go away, my mom wanted us to know him and allow him to be apart of our lives.
She didn't know about any of what he did until I told her when I was 27. She asked why I didn't like talking to him and I told her everything that happened while she was at the doctor and dialysis.
She was mortified and called him and yelled at him for an hour. He just told her that if she wanted him to parent us a certain way she should have said so.
I thought a lot about what he asked and I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to continue the name. I didn't want to pass onto my son the burden that is my father. I, also, didn't want the name myself.
So, I went and got it changed and never planned on telling my father. When I brought it up to my sister, she got mad and started laying into to me.
Yelling and asking how could I be so selfish and how it would make our father feel when he finds out. I yelled back at her, asking if she remembered what he had put us through as kids.
After getting off the phone with her, I thought about what she said. Now I feel like I've made a mistake. So, AITA for changing my name and not telling my father?
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HERE’S HOW REDDIT BLEW UP AFTER HEARING THIS – PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.:
The crowd poured into the comments, bringing a blend of heated opinions, solid advice, and a few reality checks along the way.
Individual_Metal_983 - :- You are NTA but really this is about whether YOU want to be known by that name or something else. You are not your father. If nothing else he showed you who not to be.
So really when and if you have kids you will do better and the name is your name - if you choose to be called it - not a legacy of a useless father. How your sister feels is irrelevant. And your father's hurty feelings are even less relevant. The only person who matters is you.
SarcasticComment30 - :- NTA. Who cares what your “father” feels? He hasn’t given a shit about your feelings for the past 34 years. Your sister’s feelings towards your father don’t reflect your own and that’s fine.
You haven’t stopped your sister from connecting with him and she shouldn’t harass you to maintain any connection with him. Do what makes you happy and live your best life.
atealein - :- NTA, your sister's only argument was "how would your father feel". Did she ever stop to ask you how do you feel? She has forgiven him, you haven't. It's your name, your decision.
Aggressive_Cattle320 - :- NTA You are an adult and your own personal relationship with your father is but one part of your life. Relationships are built over the years on what has been put into them (or withheld) by all parties.
You are entitled to feel as you do, and owe no one any explanations. You have valid reasons to have negative feelings attached to the name, so why on earth would you be expected to pass that on?!
Your sister needs to focus on navigating her own life and butt out of yours. She may be able to overlook it all and feel some sort of bond with him, and all the power to her. But she has no right to expect you to follow her lead.
ExistenceRaisin - :- NTA. Your father wasn’t there for you, and his name means nothing to you. You’re an adult now and you can call yourself whatever you want. You owe him nothing
No_Cockroach4248 - :- If your sister is that concerned, she can name her kids after your father. NTA, you have every right not to want to be named after a father who does not kremeber the exact date of your birthday
SleveBonzalez - :- NTA It's your name. Even if he was a good dad, you can change your name if you want. Your sister needs to step back. Do what you need to do as long as it doesn't hurt people. If he chooses to have his FEELINGS hurt, that's his business.
The individual felt deep emotional hurt from years of abandonment by his father, leading to a firm decision to sever ties by changing his surname.
This action, though intended as self-protection, directly conflicted with his sister's path toward reconciliation and her expectation that he should consider his father's feelings.
Given the intense personal history of neglect versus the sister's push for familial inclusion, should the priority be the protection of one's own peace and identity, or the maintenance of sibling relationships and the possibility of extending forgiveness to an estranged parent?