'AITA for being uncomfortable with my wife's ex sending her flowers?' UPDATED

Reading this story and just getting the vibe that there is missing info. Do they have a kid together? Did they have a kid that they lost? Like I can't imagine at any point sending flowers to my ex annually, especially if that is my only contact with her. Like there would have to have been contact afterwards to result in that sort of thing.

Did your wife lose a child when she was with her ex?

What he said about her not working as hard as his sister and not deserving to be celebrated on Mother's Day is the kind of thing that will stick with her forever.

Have you ever asked why your wife’s ex gives her flowers on Mother’s Day? Did the ex and her have a miscarriage / stillbirth while they were together?

I’m reserving judgment on your discomfort about the flowers until you provide a bit more info.

However, I think you know that YTA for the comments that she doesn’t deserve Mother’s Day flowers or appreciation. That was quite unkind and damaging.

INFO: You say "I try and make the day as special as possible for her"

Just so we are comparing apples to apples here, what did you do for her on that day? other days?

I can tell you if I was a SAHM and my husband said those words to me, I’d be getting a job and building up my own savings account asap, because you showed nothing but contempt for her role in your lives and for the career sacrifice she’s made for your family. If my husband said I was “spoilt” for giving up my own career and independence, I’d no longer have any faith in him. 

ESH. She should have cut her ex off ages ago. You should never have made the nasty and unfair comparison to your sister. 

Personally, I send my ex flowers on Mother’s Day because she is the mother of my 2 children. She deserves way more than flowers to be honest.

You may want to ask the reason why he sends them.

Can I make the point that literally nobody is spoiled because they don't get abused and are a SAHM? THAT part makes YTA plus throwing your sister under the bus to prove a point. Please send your sister flowers for no reason constantly.

You lost the battle when you lost your temper.

There's a missing context here. If the flowers only started arriving after the children were born, there's some meaning to that. Like maybe she and her ex had tried hard for children or lost a child. Did OP ever buy his wife flowers?

Yeah personally I'd be skeeved if an ex started sending me flowers but I think there's more to it than what OP is telling us.

I'm not a fan of the SAHM thing because of the lack of protection women have when their spouse leaves or dies. But her staying home with the kids is obviously a deal they made. So for him to say she didn't deserve Mother's Day and to compare her with his working sister is telling me there's tension there about her staying home.

He clearly doesn't believe that she has value just staying home and raising the kids. It's ironic that the ex validated her as a mom and then OP went out of his way to make her contribution as a SAHM undervalued.

Yeah they need therapy but it isn't just about the flowers.

Edit for judgement. YTA the rant.

*then told her that she was extremely privileged and spoilt being a SAHM.*

you are the asshole.

You were NTA until you said she didn't deserve a Mother's day gift and appreciation. Your wife has no responsibility over the hardships your sister has gone through.

Edit to add: ESH, her for accepting flowers from her ex, OP for bringing up unrelated issues into his rant, downplaying her importance as a SAHM like it's something so easy.

Info: do you get your wife flowers for mother's day? What exactly do you do to make the day special?

Only on reddit. “hey I said a really hurtful, insensitive, and malicious thing to my wife with the sole intent of hurting her feelings and now her feelings are hurt. Am I the asshole?”

Yeah YTA you know you are otherwise you wouldn’t have regretted what you said. Treat your partner respectfully even when you have big feelings. You know what you said was shitty. She should have respected your feelings earlier but that doesn’t excuse your behaviour.

You also never said what you do for your wife on Mother’s Day - is her ex the only one sending her flowers?

Well I was with you to an extent, and was just thinking this was a “they need to communicate” scenario, until you said she was

>extremely privileged and spoilt being a SAHM

because, brother, who was the other half of the decision to set up your household this way? That’s right! *You.*

So while you could’ve calmly explained your feelings about how you couldn’t shake the feeling that it was inappropriate for her ex to be sending her flowers on Mother’s Day when they don’t share any children, or ostensibly any other current connection, you had to go and make it about your insecurity *and* berating her for a situation you had a hand in creating. Nice.

Couple’s therapy is a good idea, btw. I sincerely hope that it helps. Remember: communication and respect and trust.

YTA (for the moment)

NTA for flower situation, your wife wasn't communicating properly for 8 years. But on the comparing Sister part YTA it is not who deserve flowers but the intent behind it, what is the intent of her ex, does he want to reconnect ? or just keeping a line open. In all this no matter who it is your sister, parents or ex partner, anyone outside of the marriage is not healthy for a marriage.

What you said to your wife about her being spoiled for being a SAHM mom was uncalled for. It’s hard caring for children. She deserves flowers from you not her ex. That said, yes you are right about it being weird the ex sends yearly Mother’s Day flowers when they don’t have a kid together. If I was the wife, I would have shut that down immediately since it’s creepy behavior. No guy is sending flowers every year who isn’t in communication somehow with the recipient.

YTA

Did you buy her flowers? Have you shown her appreciation?

Your sister doesn’t matter here. Your wife and her feelings matter. How could you tell your wife that she is privileged and spoiled and doesn’t deserve gifts on Mother’s Day? She is the mother of your children. No wonder she was so happy to receive flowers from her ex, he actually cares about how she feels and now you’ve taken that away

Like it or not your relationship has changed. She now knows you don’t appreciate or respect her and you have taken the little thing that brought her joy on Mother’s Day away

Frustrated or not you should never have called her privileged and spoiled. You owe her flowers every month and you should be happy she’s still in the house with you after such an insensitive rant

Extremely privileged and spoilt, plus you added she doesn't deserve a Mother's Day gift she's at home with your kids, and you don't think she deserves recognition for that? Yes, in this case, YTA.

ESH

Your wife obviously for years of entertaining this validation from her ex, even after you expressed your discomfort about it.

You for this **"I then told her that she was extremely privileged and spoilt being a SAHM. I told her to look at my sister (32F) for example. My sister also had 2 children, but she was a single mom as her deadbeat ex cheated on her. My sister also worked at a big tech company, she was hard working, and she was the type of woman who deserves a Mother’s Day gift and appreciation, and not my wife."**
What a f'd up thing to say to your wife. You really think that a woman who stays at home with her children doesn't deserve to be treated with a mother's day gift, and you compared your wife's contribution to you family to nothing, what she does is worthless, basically. For this to come out from your mouth, you must have thought it multiple times. Whew!!