'WIBTA if I confronted my husband for crying in the bathroom after seeing his ex?' UPDATED

NTA, but it sounds like that cliche story.

Guy is happy with status quo and keeping the gf around for 9 years and while he says he’s open to the idea of marriage (to string her along), he believes it’s unnecessary and doesn’t actually make plans to get an engagement ring or pop the question. He just assumes if he runs the clock, she will be stuck with him for life

His Ex decides that she’s had enough of his placating words and realizes if she wants to get married and start a family, it can’t/won’t be with him. After she takes charge of her life and dumps him, he begs her to take him back and that he will give her the ring and wedding that she wanted, but it’s too little, too late. Curtains close on this relationship.

He takes a year or so to heal, and then finds you, who checks off most of his boxes and instead of risking the same thing happening again, he proposes to you in six months of dating and everything happens at warp speed because he has learned from his last serious relationship. Don’t leave it up to chance. Don’t string someone along.

Him bumping into his ex make him realize he still had feelings for the “one who got away”. That if he hadn’t been so stubborn and slow about getting a ring and making his ex happy, that could have been him.

> Again apologized for what he did and told her that some things are not meant to be.

He keeps telling himself that because it’s easier to blame fate and absolve himself about being a shit boyfriend who was wasting her time and ruined the relationship singlehandedly.

I’m glad his ex got her happy ending.

I’m sorry your marriage is starting to show cracks because your husband may be incapable of love and had a hidden agenda when marrying you. He might have married you to “prove”to his ex he could commit (like when he texted her about the engagement), rather than because of his deep and lasting love for you.

it sounds like he got dumped because he refused to marry her, so he quickly jumped into a relationship with you + proposed INSANELY quickly to "prove" to her that she made a mistake. this is confirmed by the fact that he texted her to tell her.

you are a rebound. you were meant to be temporary to get his ex back

Unfortunately, OP he still sees this relationship as unfinished business. It sounds as though he’s still carrying a torch for her.

It’s not right to still be texting her now, you’re going to have to have a serious talk with him and make your decision from there.

UPDATEME

Sorry, but this is why I don't like quick marriages. You haven't had time to do any of the work necessary to determine compatibility. By investing time talking about hopes, dreams, and past relationships, you can learn who they really are. Seeing how he still won't stop texting her, it's obvious he isn't over her. Texting her after the engagement would've been a red flag to me. Why? What good does it do YOUR relationship? It was for him to gauge her response, and her reply was going to determine his next move. I don't see a path forward with him until he cuts all contact with her and attends couples therapy with you.

What a mess! Sorry you're going through this.

He still loves her. He texted her to "apologize" because he wanted her to know he is capable of taking it to the next level

Yikes. He very obviously has some feelings for her if he's texting her while engaged, bent out of shape and depressed to the point of tears just seeing her moved on. I feel like by continously telling her that "some things just aren't meant to be" he's trying to convince himself it was something inevitable instead of his choice that he regrets.

Uh your dude sounds super cringey? 

Texting her to tell her he’s engaged….unnecessary but okay. But the whole “some things aren’t meant to be”? Come on. 

And then he repeats it now. 

I’d confront him and say listen- if he’s got regrets or hangups he needs to explore that **with a therapist** and he must promise that he will both do that *and stop texting her*. 

Also he’s being weirdly arrogant. She’s happy AF and he’s still apologizing?! lol she’s fine dude. She’s fine without him and he doesn’t like that. Doesn’t mean he’s hung up on her but he’s gotta get himself handled. 

Why is he still texting to apologise nearly a decade later? He’s overestimating how much she even needs to hear it. I think you need to demand answers from him, and you’re carrying his child he has no right to be depressed or distant over this. UpdateMe girl!

NTA-

I also love all the men in the comments who thinks this behavior is totally acceptable from a man who got another woman pregnant, and don’t recognize that his reaction to this situation is totally inappropriate, completely disrespects his wife, is cracking the foundation of his current relationship, and he is sowing seeds of mistrust and contempt with good reason. Nobody deserves to be second best, which is what he is showing she is to him.  

My dear- this is not ok. You deserve to be respected, as his wife and mother of his child. He should have dealt with these feeling before jumping headfirst into a relationship and getting you pregnant. You have to decide if you are ok being a placeholder for what could have been for him. 

I’m sorry to say but this has been a performative relationship for him from the start. He’s tried to rush through all the markers of adulthood to prove to his ex he’s an adult. You just happened to be there and got caught up in his plan. The reactionary way he’s married you and gotten you pregnant is really concerning.

No, you definitely would not be the asshole. There are a bunch of red flags here.
The fact that he sent her ANOTHER message about how they weren't meant to be... Sounds like he still thinks they were meant to be. I'm not in his head, but I feel like he is fishing to see if she still has feelings like he obviously does. He felt the need to tell her you were pregnant/married, clearly she did not feel the same way.. ex. He had no clue she was a pregnant mom.

I think he saw her with a family and he feels like that should have been him.
Then move on to him proposing to you after 6 months, yikes. This is just a mess through and through. I suggest he starts therapy to work through his feelings.

I would try to speak with him openly and without judgement, otherwise he will most likely shut down. Your feelings matter though, you shouldn't hide your pain to make him feel less shit about it.
I am sorry you are going through this. I would feel incredibly hurt to find out my "soul mate" felt the same way about someone else, like I'm a fill in since they screwed up the first time.

NTA

I would lose a little bit of respect for him in this situation. He was the one that failed to move forward in his previous relationship. Now he’s got “one who got away” syndrome. He needs to be the mature one and be happy for his ex as she now has the family and life she wanted.

He needs to value what he has now right in front of him before he ruins another relationship/family.

Sorry. You're the rebound.

I'm not sure what people think will happen when they marry so early into knowing someone. You married before you even had two Valentine's Days.

NTA.

The fact he 1/ texted her, 2/ cried and 3/ worst of all, has been distant is a red flag, it shows that he is NOT over her and he cannot even control those feelings and act normal towards you.

Frankly, it looks like he wishes he were still with her, and settled for you just because he couldn’t keep her.

OP
Your husband has issues. None of this is fair to you. You deserve someone who is all in with your marriage.

He was with a woman for 9 years. He did not want to marry her, but did not want to break up with her either. So he did not care that he was wasting her time. She decided that was not enough for her and left him. He is right because it wasn’t meant to be. For whatever reason, he was not able to win her back ( did he agree to marry her in the end but she said no too late?). Have you ever discussed it with him?

So instead of healing, he puts a bandage on the wound and has a rebound relationship. Were you aware of all of this before you married him?

My question is: why does he still have her number?

NTA. I think the current language for what you're experiencing is "dream girl" vs. "placeholder". You already know the answer to your own question, but you're here to make sure you haven't gone crazy. Which you definitely haven't.

You're right to feel hurt and suspicious. Sending those messages is so disrespectful. It's just him trying to get her attention, anyway. And he's trying to get an in with a married woman with children. Yikes.

By all means talk to him, but please do yourself a favor and put your own feelings above his tears. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't actually love you, it's time you can spend looking for someone who does or looking after yourself and your baby, when they arrive.

He deff should of got some therapy after that relationship before proposing after 6 months, that’s insane you barely know each other

You have every right to know what’s going on, but it’s all about if you approach it hostile or not