A
r/AmItheAsshole
7621
Posted by u/revolutionary_alien
15 hours ago

'AITA for keeping a massive secret from my parents?' UPDATED

My parents (F 66 and M 70) and I (F 32) have had a bit of a strained relationship since I was young. My sister was always favoured while I was treated as the maid, which is why I left home as soon as I could. Over the years, our relationship has had its ups and downs, but I would never describe our family dynamics as being particularly normal or healthy.

I married my husband (M 36) when I was 23, and my parents just about hit the roof. They have never really taken a shining to him and threatened to disown me if I went through with the marriage. When he and I would visit their home, he is subject to the same expectations as I am, whereas my sister gets to put her feet up and relax.

Needless to say, my husband does not hold my parents in particularly high regard.

My parents emigrated overseas about ten years ago, and my husband and I have only seen them three times in person since. We do chat over FaceTime/Zoom semi-regularly, but the relationships all function better if we aren't breathing down each other's necks.

Recently, my husband and I bought our first house and we are over the moon! We plan on growing our family, and we now have the space (and the garden) to do so, I am beyond thrilled. My parents are kept on a strict information diet and we did not tell them that we had bought - mostly because they are renting a storage unit not far from us, and we did not want the drama of my parents wanting (read: expecting) to store all of their furniture in our new house.

We also did not tell them that our new house is much more spacious than our old place. As far as my parents are aware, we just moved because it is closer to my husband's job.

Unbenowns to me, my parents have been in the country for about a month and ran into a childhood friend (D F34) of mine yesterday. D told them that I had invited her to coffee today, and it would be so lovely if they came with her and surprised me. D had no way of knowing that I had not told my parents about the spacious new house until they all walked through the front door and my mom lost her mind at me.

The main points from my mom's yelling was that our relationship has been good recently so how could I have kept this secret from them; my husband and I were selfish to have all this space with no regard for the fact that they are renting a storage unit; and that my parents are hurt I don't include them in all parts of my life.

Unfortunately, my husband arrived home not long after the tirade started and he told them to stop making a scene under his roof. That is when the other shoe dropped that we had bought instead of rented. Ultimately my parents left after telling me that a true daughter would never keep secrets like this, and I am left feeling like everything could have been avoided if we had told them from the beginning.

To be frank, though, I honestly never expected them in my house - they do not have the address and they live overseas!

Edit to clarify: My husband and I are currently 36 and 32 respectively. I was 23 when we were married, and he was 27.

I have also posted an [update](https://www.reddit.com/user/revolutionary_alien/comments/x6578t/update_aita_for_keeping_a_massive_secret_from_my/) on my profile after chatting to D and my husband.

Comments (731)

-
u/-Duste- 8h ago

NTA. It's a really weird twist of fate that occurred and made them know about the house. You decide what information you share with who and it's your house so your rules.

>how could I have kept this secret from them; my husband and I were selfish to have all this space with no regard for the fact that they are renting a storage unit

Hum, they were in the country for a month and didn't tell you. It shows how they are interested in your life...

Also exactly like you predicted, they want to use your house as a storage unit.

S
u/salukiqueen 2h ago

A bit rich that they’re mad at you for keeping secrets, yet they’ve been in the country a whole month and it was *your friend who found out first.* Personally, I think it’s sus that D is your friend yet somehow didn’t know that a surprise visit from your estranged mom and dad wouldn’t be welcome. Is she oblivious, kept in ignorance over the situation or just a shit stirrer? NTA

N
u/Nevyn-57 8h ago

NTA - You didn't inform your parents of the purchase for all of the reasons that proved to be true.
All they wanted was to use you as a storage facility.
Because someone is family, we shouldn't feel obliged to have them as closest friends too, they become that, by being friends first, not family.

N
u/No_Substance_6082 2h ago

NTA.

The reason your relationship with your parents had been so much better recently is BECAUSE you have boundaries on what information you share with them due to their behaviour.

Share what you are comfortable with, which might be very little. Low contact or no contact with your parents is also totally acceptable. if your parents want to be a part of your life they have to accept you only share what you are comfortable with.

M
u/MyFriendsCallMeEpic 7h ago

Your poor friend D literally held a grenade thinking it was a present.
I hope you didn't go off on her too.
NTA - There is a reason why they were on a information diet, they cant expect you to be forthcoming considering your previous experiences, even if the relationship was good recently doesn't over ride years of abuse, yes treating you like a maid is abusive.

I
u/IsometricDragonfly56 8h ago

NTA Your parents have been in the country for a month. Who is keeping secrets from whom?
As far as the house is concerned you probably should have told them while being sure they knew the extra space is for growing your future and not for storing their past. It’s hard to be that direct, especially when you feel the weight of expectation. Ultimately it’s the best choice. Also, what’s with the storage unit? They’ve been gone ten years. They should sell that stuff and enjoy the extra money they’ll have each month from not paying the storage fee.

P
u/protogenic_ 5h ago

NTA. It seems that your parents have always been very controlling of you even when you are growing up. Once you hit 18, you have the ability to either see your family or not see your family without them having any control over you. From how dramatic they have been over your life choices yet so far, I wouldn't tell them any aspect of my life either, especially with them denouncing your past decisions.

At the end of the day, you're not keeping secrets from them. You are choosing to have them not be a part of your life, which is a totally valid thing to do.

S
u/Straight-Example9126 5h ago

NTA.

They didn't tell you that they're in the same country. They don't treat you with respect. They don't care for you. Why should you share everything with them?

They're guilt tripping you so that you will become soft and let them move all their stuff to your place. First it will be their stuff. Then they will move in. And the cycle of abuse will start again. Please nip it at the bud.

If they start emotionally accusing more and more, tell them it wasn't the intention but it was your own home and didn't want to show off.

Go into LC or NC for your own sake.

T
u/The_Cost_Of_Lies 1h ago

NTA. Your house. Your rules. Your life.

T
u/The_Amazing_Username 2h ago

NTA- so they didn’t tell you they were in the country but expect you to update them on details of your life?

C
u/chilled-pudge 7h ago

NTA!! Time to consinder going NC, the fact they were in the country for a month and didn’t tell you?

G
u/grumpycoffeee 7h ago

NTA and why does D invite people to your house on her own???

C
u/confettiballoon 5h ago

I would say you're wrong about assuming they would want to move their furniture to your house till I read the part they mentioned their storage unit. So, NTA. You know them and predicted their reaction. Your mom should criticize herself why her daughter keeps secret such an excitement news about her life.

V
u/Various-Bridge-325 8h ago

NTA. Your parents are not entitled to every detail about your lie especially considering they will use it to try and get something out of it - like storing their furniture. Your husband was right and your parents can be as mad as they want. This is your life with your husband and not theirs. They have their own lives and must arrangements for their belongings accordingly. The sense of entitlement from them is staggering especially considering the relationship your have had with them in the past. Tell them to store their furniture at your sisters, since they hold her in such high regard!

S
u/SoIFeltDizzy 6h ago

NTA Sorry they found out. Maybe get advice on what to do if they send the storage stuff while you are out.

B
u/bigsis58 7h ago

NTA. F them. You owe them nothing. All they do is bring drama and chaos to your life and your husband’s life. Cut them off completely and give yourself permission to have a great life without them.

G
u/Grumpy_bugger 4h ago

NTA - They are complaining that you did not tell them you purchased a house...they didn't even tell you they were in the country.

H
u/hanskit 8h ago

NTA. At all. I bought my own home to move out from an abusive home environment. I can tell you the biggest joy is controlling who does and does not have access to your space. Toxic family are like vampires, they are not entitled to put even a toe over the threshold without your invitation (let alone a storage unit of stuff).

K
u/Kitfox88 4h ago

NTA, they don't get to use your place as a storage unit or you as a punching bag.

A
u/Aggravating_Elk_4455 4h ago

NTA You have a great man and CRAPPY parents who you really need to cut ties with for your own well being and sanity. Why did you put up with them disrespecting him so much?? Let pampered sis and them deal with each other. I'd set up No Trespassing signs, Cams etc. There is no telling what they will try to pull because they DO see YOURS AND YOUR HUSBAND'S HOME AS THEIRS.

Source:   Reddit

Recent Posts